Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A view from the inside


We often have to remind ourselves about the little girl in the diabetic. One of my greatest fears is the regret that her childhood is less memorable than her A1C's...I must not make the mistake of raising my diabetic instead of my daughter. Too often we look at her blood sugar before we look in her eyes.

Last weekend Cadence went to a birthday party, at which she met a father of one of the kids who is also a diabetic and an insulin pumper. I've talked to Cadence alot about her pump, her "special button" (infusion site), and all about how it's pretty cool that she has one. Ending soon, are the days when she can view her disease as an advantage. I hope she adopts the mindset of opportunity vs. misfortune. The man who she met showed Cadence his insulin pump and her eyes lit up. She was almost amazed that someone else had one. It was a connection that she's not made yet in her life, an instant kinship with another person. The ability to communicate with them empathically vs. being communicated to sympathetically about diabetes. It was an extremely important moment for her and while I am so happy she had the chance, part of me feels robbed that I'll never be able to connect with her that way. We'll have a plethora of incredible moments as father and daughter of course...but the single most important aspect of her life and longevity, that Nic and I for the last 3 years have managed around the clock...is never something we'll truly understand, and she'll never being able to truly share with us what she feels. I don't wish to have Diabetes...but I do wish I knew what it was like so that I can be there for her in more ways than the guy with the sharp stuff.

So, they talked for a few minutes and she asked him if he cries for "special buttons", to which he says "no... I don't cry, but sometimes they hurt, and sometimes the don't."

Cadence just said "Yep". That was the expanse of the interaction... but it completely changed her diabetic experience. Perhaps she now knows that there are others out there.

We interviewed a nanny last night for the girls as Nic really wants to get back to work. The nanny, is also a type 1 diabetic. We look at this in two ways, one we feel very slight some reservation about the remote possibility of her having an insulin reaction while in the care of our kids....in the other sense what an advantage for the care of Cadence. Someone with an understanding of what it's like. The nanny showed Cadence her insulin pen and blood checker, to which Cadence again had an instant connection.

For the last 3 years, we've tried to make Cadence's condition as anonymous as possible, try to make her feel as normal as we can. Perhaps however, we haven't defined normal properly. Perhaps more exposure and more frequent interactions with diabetics is what she needs in order to frame her world as normal. Perhaps our vision for her, is incompatible for her? I wish I could see the view from her eyes, so that we can make the best decisions possible...perhaps that is however, the crux of parenting.

b.